Nurturing Emotionally Healthy Relationships
Recently, a sermon series at Maitland Presbyterian Church in Maitland Florida, highlighted the topic of emotionally healthy relationships. The series highlights aspects of maintaining emotionally healthy relationships. This is not a summary of that series but rather some of my thoughts on this topic. I recommend the series and will include the link below.
An emotionally healthy relationship is one that is defined by mutual respect, trust, a healthy interdependence (not enmeshed or overly dependent) a sense of boundaries, honest communication, emotional understanding, empathy, and compassion. How do we go about nurturing and sustaining these relationships? The following are a few suggestions.
First, it is important to be cautious around assumptions about the other person's motives when discussing an action or behavior pattern having a negative impact on that relationship. Too often we are quick to make assumptions in relationships with negative implications. For example, imagine that there is someone who has been perpetually late in the past. The person arrives to a scheduled meeting late as they often do. We respond by saying, "you are always late, that is your pattern, it is selfish and inconsiderate of you." Now, also imagine that unknown to us, this person has actually been dramatically improving, and now has begun to arrive early to appointments and is improving. In this case however, even though ample time was allotted, an unforeseen traffic blockage prevented them from arriving.
My assumption turned out to be incorrect. Furthermore, I was prevented from seeing or discovering the truth because I was not willing to revisit my basic assumptions about this person. This demonstrates two other important elements. There is a difference between facts and the interpretation of those facts. One fact is that this person has a bad habit of being late in the past, it was also a fact that the person couldn't have done anything to be early in this case. Although I had some of the facts correct, I had the wrong interpretation, and came to the wrong conclusion. Second, the way I responded automatically puts the person on the defensive, and doesn't give them a chance to even explain. It is a recipe for an argument that will escalate.
How to avoid the mistake of making assumptions.
One way to avoid the mistake cited above is to use "I" statements. Use an "I" statement to communicate clearly, reduce defensiveness, and prevent incorrect assumptions. So, instead of operating on a false assumption, it is better to say how that person's actions make you feel. "You are always late, you are very inconsiderate" Try saying this instead: "when you show up late, I feel worried about you." Not only is this a better way to communicate, it lets the friend know the behavior and how it is impacting them. It also avoids making a false assumption. Often, when we are late to an appointment, we of course know whether we are at fault or not, but we don't extend the same courtesy to others. Using "I" statements can help begin the conversation.
In a healthy relationship people cannot use manipulation or coercion to force others to do what we want them to do. At times, people will use power when they want to force someone to comply with their wishes regardless of how the other person feels or thinks. A person may not even have come to a decision on their own. Why do we do this in relationships? Sometimes it may be a deep fear or anxiety working in us, or perhaps it may be a desire to "win" over the other person, we may even have what we think is best in mind for the other person. Guilt, blackmail, coercion, constant nagging, threats, and anger, can all be forms of coercion. A healthy relationship is built on mutual trust and respect, and while anger is a normal human emotion, using that anger or turning that anger against someone to get them to do something we want them to do undermines any kind of mutuality. It is tempting to use anger or nagging to make the person whose tardiness is impacting us negatively to change. Although the goal may be admirable, this way of handling the situation isn't.
Another rule to keep in mind is simple, people should always speak for themselves. Even at a young age, we should allow children to begin speaking for themselves. Sometimes an adult might speak for a child assuming what a child thinks or wants. Supposing there are apples and oranges available and the adult may say, "here, you like apples don't you" while handing the child an apple. The child may be confused as she or he does not recall thinking this way, they would prefer to eat the orange. Sometimes we speak on behalf of others, at a public meeting saying, "we believe that the government has lost the trust of the people."
Using an "I" statement would be appropriate here, it is better to say, "I believe the government has lost my trust." We should not volunteer for others, make commitment for others, or attempt to influence, bully or suppress the opinions of others. If we want to have a healthy relationship with others, we have to have mutual respect, and thinking we can tell others how they feel is not mutually respectful. "I" statements also follow the rule of letting people speak for themselves.
Last, it is important to remember that we while we are individuals, we are also part of a community, and therefore, in relationships that depend on one another. In many cases, we have to make collective decisions. Having healthy relationships is even more crucial. We can make better decisions often as a group when we collectively listen to each other. Making "I" statements does not mean that we ignore the advice and opinions of others. In fact, it makes their opinions even more important. Even when we have to make decisions that are our own personal decisions it is important to take the advice and consent of others. Ultimately, we are responsible for those decision that are under our control. We cannot make decisions for others, nor can we ask others to make decisions that are our responsibility. We engage advice and wisdom to make the best possible decision whether in a group or as an individual.
Conclusion
Creating emotionally healthy relationships is the only way to ensure a long term sustainable relationship. Using "I" statements, allowing others to speak for themselves, checking our assumptions or exceptions of others, wisely consulting others while taking personal responsibility for our decisions, all are foundational to mutual respect. In the book of Philippians we read "Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves." When we want to speak the truth to others, we can do that in a spirit of humility that values the other individual and gives them the respect to hear us and make their own decisions.
To learn more about healthy emotional relationships check out the special sermon series below:
Maitland Presbyterian Church Youtube Page
Sabbath as Resistance - Walter Brueggemann
The Emotionally Healthy Series (Leader, Spirituality, Church)
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